I Felt Crazy After Giving Birth. No One Talked About This.

I’ve given birth four times. The fourth was as a surrogate—carrying a baby that wasn’t biologically mine, for another family. And yet, across all four experiences, what no one prepared me for—what no one talked about—was just how mentally and emotionally intense the postpartum period can be.

Here’s what I wish more people knew.

The First Three Births: Depression, Intrusion, and Silence

With my first three births, I experienced what some might call the “baby blues”—but what I went through felt much darker.

Within the first week, I felt suicidal. The thoughts were intrusive, obsessive, and terrifying. I had no language for them at the time—just a sense that something was deeply wrong.
It felt like being in a dark cave, clawing at the walls, hoping someone might find me and hold my hand through it.
I was functioning, but inside, I was unraveling. And no one seemed to see it.
It took 3 to 6 months each time for the fog to begin lifting—for the depression and anxiety to let go.

What made it harder was the silence. I thought I was the only one.

The Role of Hormones: Estrogen and the Postpartum Crash

After giving birth, estrogen and progesterone levels plummet dramatically—in fact, estrogen drops to nearly zerowithin just a few days postpartum. That hormonal nosedive is one of the most significant contributors to mood instability, anxiety, and depression in new mothers.

Studies show that sudden withdrawal of estrogen can trigger depressive symptoms, especially in those already sensitive to hormonal fluctuations. (Harvard Health)
Estrogen plays a critical role in regulating serotonin, the brain’s feel-good chemical. When estrogen plummets, serotonin availability can dip too—leaving you emotionally raw, irritable, and overwhelmed.
Combine that with sleep deprivation, identity shifts, and lack of support, and it’s no wonder many women feel like they’re coming undone.

For some, bioidentical hormone replacement therapy (BHRT) can be part of the healing conversation—especially for those whose symptoms persist or feel unmanageable.

Platforms like Winona and Thrive Lab offer BHRT options that are tailored to women in perimenopause and postpartum. Always consult with a licensed provider to explore whether this could be a supportive option for you.

What the Research Shows

1 in 5 women will experience a mental health condition during pregnancy or postpartum (MMHLA).
Lack of sleep and support drastically increases the risk of postpartum depression (NIH).
Estrogen withdrawal is a significant but often overlooked biological factor in postpartum mood disorders (Harvard Health).

The Fourth Birth: No Baby, No Depression… Just Anxiety

When I gave birth as a surrogate, I expected the same heavy fog. But it didn’t come.

I didn’t have postpartum depression.
I wasn’t waking up constantly at night to nurse.
There was no hormonal bonding or oxytocin surge from newborn cuddles. I wasn’t physically depleted in the same way.

And this time, the absence of depression made my anxiety roar.

I was in grad school, learning to diagnose complex trauma and personality disorders.
I was also in a major car accident around the same time.
My mind would spiral. I had to talk myself down constantly. Sometimes I wondered if I was losing my grip.

Looking back, I wonder if medication or hormone support would have helped. But no one ever really offered that conversation.

What I Learned About Maternal Mental Health

Here’s what I wish I could go back and tell myself—and every new mother:

Depression and anxiety don’t always follow the same script. You can seem “fine” on the outside and still feel like you’re unraveling.
Sleep and support are not luxuries—they’re survival tools. The births where I was better rested and better supported had drastically different outcomes.
There’s no shame in what you feel. You’re not weak. Your brain and body are doing their best to stabilize after one of the most intense events a human can go through.
You are not crazy. You are postpartum. And it is real, hard, and valid.

We Need to Talk About This

So many mothers feel like they’re failing when they’re simply under-supported. We normalize the sleepless nights, the cracked nipples, the isolation—but we rarely acknowledge the emotional collapse happening under the surface.

We deserve better.

Better screening and education for new parents.
More community-based care and support systems.
A healthcare system that validates women’s experiences and talks openly about things like estrogen, BHRT, and PPD.

If you’re reading this and it resonates—you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.

Resources

If you’re struggling (or know someone who is), help is available:

Let’s talk about what it actually feels like after birth. Let’s hold space for the parts that aren’t glowing and beautiful but still deserve to be honored.

SHE'S GOT RULES

I Felt Crazy After Giving Birth. No One Talked About This.

The First Three Births: Depression, Intrusion, and Silence